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Breaking the ice: how to stop building a wall between yourself and the world?

To be strong, to endure hardships, to grit your teeth to go through life with your head held high, without asking for support and help… It seems to us that only by becoming such will we earn the respect and love of the most important people for us. Where did this attitude come from and is it really the case?


“There is no strength, there is no desire to live,” Sofia locked herself in her apartment and plunged into depression for several months. The money is running out. She ended her relationship with a loved one, left her job….

She is the youngest child in the family, but she has never been helped financially.

Even when the grits in the rented apartment ran out and Sofia fainted on the bus, she did not go to her parents for a meal. Not to mention asking for money.

“If I confess that I failed, they will stop loving me.” Of course, she didn’t think about it the way people think about what to wear or where to go on vacation. However, this thought “sat” deep inside. This is already the case: first we think about the thought, and then she thinks about us.


The belief that “I am not loved if I am weak” has been formed over a long period of time. As she walked past the office where Sophia worked, her mother would carry her older sister’s lunch. Years later, Sophia asked, “Mom, why?” – Mama was genuinely surprised: “And what? Didn’t I bring lunch for both of you?!”

The sister’s birthdays were planned in advance, and the gif.webpt was discussed at the family “council”.

Sofia remembers only the doll from the gifts – when she turned eight.


Is there no love because there is a prevailing attitude to be strong? Or maybe you always need to be strong in order to get at least a crumb of love? It’s like an eternal controversy over what came first – a hen or an egg. It is not the dialectic that matters, but the result.

“I love my parents. With all my might.” But it’s not about love, it’s about its lack, about the pumping need for recognition. And grievances accumulate inside. For every birthday. On the money borrowed from parents for the only time. Do not resent your parents, otherwise they will not love you, right?

But in order to open up to love, you first need to face bitterness and anger and mourn the loss, without blaming yourself for weakness.

Only after that Sophia was able to confess to her family that not everything in her life corresponds to the illusion created by her. And her parents did not reject her! It turned out that the wall of the nemesis was built by herself from ice and resentful bricks. This coldness constrained her, preventing her from breathing (literally and figuratively, because anxiety constrains the body, makes her breathe superficially)…

A few days later, Sophia, with tears in her eyes, told how she read an article about a woman who, when she was sad, just came to her mother, put her head on her lap… And just at that moment, her mother called her, which in itself was a rare phenomenon: “Daughter, how are you doing? Come to the guests, I’ll treat you to something delicious, and then we’ll be together with you, I’ll just pat you on the head.”

The ice cream was broken. Definitely.

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